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 Breaking Up, Separation, and Divorce Can Be Devastating – But May Also Provide
the Opportunity for Self-Examination and a New Beginning
There is nothing easy about ending a love relationship. Breaking up is seldom
the ideal resolution to problems within relationships, but all too often is the
outcome, despite our best efforts to prevent it. Over the past two or three
decades, about half of all marriages have ended in divorce, and the statistics
for cohabitation (or living together) are higher than this.
The person who was once your best friend and your companion for life, the one
who knew you better than anyone else, has now in some ways become your enemy.
You cannot believe that this has happened. How could that love have been
destroyed? The breakup of a relationship is one of life’s most emotionally
painful experiences. The depth of pain depends on many factors – how sensitive
you are to the meaning of your life experiences, how much you have idealized the
relationship, and how much you depended on your partner to make your life
worthwhile.
A broken relationship shatters much that we have known and dreamed about. Our
relationships, especially intimate relationships, help us define who we are. Our
values, our views of the world, and how we define our most intimate feelings are
all embodied within our love relationships. When our relationship comes to an
end, our lives enter a chaotic period for which we may be unprepared. We
suddenly find ourselves dealing with a host of emotions and thoughts – grieving,
despair, anger, revenge and retaliation, hoping for a miracle, negotiating,
feeling out of control, hoping for happiness again and not knowing how to get
there, fear, and loneliness – and little of it seems to make sense. (And where
is your partner when you need him or her the most?)
Most of us have never acquired the tools to deal with a loss of this
magnitude. When we entered the relationship, we put our energies into building a
life with our partner. We put little effort into learning to be alone again. A
breakup forces us to jump into an overwhelming, and often dreaded, world of new
experiences.
It is comforting to learn that this time of craziness will come to a close.
The sun will shine again. The pain of a breakup, if it is approached
constructively, can propel people to confront personal issues and to discover
who they are at this stage of life. Many people look back on the time following
their breakup as the best time in their lives. It may be painful, but it is also
a time when a person can feel fully alive and impelled to look within to
determine their strengths, abilities, and challenges.
The ending of a love relationship follows a predictable set of experiences.
It is helpful to recognize the feelings associated with each stage of a breakup
and to know that these feelings are normal and expected. If you have difficulty
in handling the negative feelings that accompany the phases of the process, it
will probably be a challenge to cope effectively as you move toward the
completion of the breakup. If you accept your painful feelings and explore why
things are difficult, you become better able, as a more integrated person, to
see your way to a happier resolution.
Let’s look at a few of the predictable stages commonly experienced by those
in the process of a breakup.
Denial
Denying the truth of the breakup actually helps us to postpone the pain, so
denial certainly has a place in the process, at least initially. A problem
occurs when we experience so much denial that we are unable to come to terms
with the reality of the task before us. There comes a day when “this is not
happening to me” is no longer an effective way of coping. Ending the denial
stage involves a major shift in our thinking about ourselves, what our partner
means to us, and where we must go from here.
Fear
Most people experiencing a breakup are forced to come to terms with a number
of fears. What will people say? Whom can I trust to talk to? How can I handle my
partner’s anger toward me? How do I deal with my own anger? Am I a complete
failure? How can I be a single parent? What about money? Can I do the banking
and buy groceries and pay bills and fix the car? Can I handle my loneliness? Am
I completely unlovable? Will I ever love anyone else again? Do I have the energy
for this much change? When we are dominated by our fears and feel unable to do
anything about them, we increase the likelihood that these will be the very
areas where we experience trouble. The best way to handle fear is to confront it
head on, with awareness, planning, and support – and this takes courage.
Loneliness
The loneliness a person experiences at the time of a breakup may feel
overwhelming. The finality of ending the relationship, uncertainty about the
future, as well as the knowledge that your partner will no longer be there to
comfort you or to spend time with you, all contribute to an empty feeling that
seems as if it will not go away. While you were in the relationship, you defined
yourself as being partnered and you felt that you always had someone there to
share your experiences. And now you don’t. The clue to dealing with this is to
change loneliness to aloneness. Loneliness suggests a longing to be with another
person. Aloneness can be a time to see who you are – you have the opportunity to
explore your independence and challenge yourself to do things on your own. It
can be a valuable time of self-exploration and self-enhancement. Aloneness might
not last long, or at least not long enough, so it can be seen as a valuable
opportunity.
Friendship
The breakup is a true test of just who your real friends are. It is important
to draw on the emotional support of friends during this time. Unfortunately,
many of your friends were those who knew you as a couple and they may have to
choose between you. Those who try to stay neutral may find it difficult. Some
may feel that your breakup somehow threatens their own relationships, and some
friends may now find it difficult to relate to you as a single person. Not only
that, but you may find it difficult to trust others during a breakup. Getting
out, feeling free, trusting wisely, and opening up to others becomes a major
goal of healthy adjustment.
Grieving
It is normal, and indeed necessary, to experience a period of grieving over
the end of the relationship. You may feel depressed for some time and experience
changes in your energy levels, as well as your sleeping and appetite patterns.
You may dwell on negative thoughts for a period of time and find it difficult to
find pleasure in everyday events. If your negative thinking turns into
self-destructive thoughts, you should find a professional therapist who can help
you. As unpleasant as this period of grieving may feel, comfort yourself with
the knowledge that this is most likely a temporary phase and it is how you are
saying goodbye so that you can move on to a healthier and happier future.
Anger
People ending their relationships usually say that they never knew they could
have so much anger. The rage seems overwhelming at times. Think about it – you
have just lost one of the most important things in your life and your partner
may seem like your enemy. You have a lot to be angry about. Use this opportunity
to look within – explore your anger and find out how it helps and hurts you. One
rule: don't engage in any behavior you will feel sorry about later on! Because
it may be difficult to contain your anger at this time, your partner is not the
appropriate target for your anger. Instead, process your anger by talking about
it with a trusted friend or therapist. Anger is helpful in the sense that it
helps us end the loyalty and trust we used to feel for our partner, and this
allows us to move on.
Think of the ending of your relationship as a journey, which you take one
step at a time. Some of these steps are challenging. Not only do we have to
confront all of the stages listed above, but we must also deal with making the
final break emotionally, understand what really went wrong, learn to feel
comfortable with ourselves again, see ourselves as single people, make new
friends, forge new purposes and goals, and learn again about trust and love. As
painful as this journey may seem at first, it can lead to a life which is better
– and it can be much better.
Dumpers and Dumpees
A breakup seems easiest for couples who decide mutually to end the
relationship. In most cases, however, as suggested by Bruce Fisher and Robert
Alberti, in their book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, a breakup
involves a dumper, the party who takes the initiative to end the relationship,
and a dumpee, the one who wants the relationship to continue. Sometimes, when
one analyzes the nature of the relationship, it may be difficult to decide just
who is the dumper and the dumpee. In general, however, the dumper is the one who
says it is all over, and the dumpee is the one in shock who begs the other not
to leave. Dumpees often say they were taken completely by surprise by their
partner’s announcement.
The breakup experience is often very different for each of the two parties.
The dumper usually began preparing for the end well before the final
announcement, and the actual parting often comes as a relief for the dumper. The
primary emotion experienced by the dumper is guilt. The dumpee, on the other
hand, is usually hit by surprise and with a great deal of pain. The turmoil of
the breakup itself is usually much more intense for the dumpee, but it is this
pain that can motivate more personal growth. The main task of the dumpee is to
work through feelings of rejection. Both parties usually experience a great deal
of pain as their relationship comes to an end, although the pain of guilt is
different from the pain of rejection. For a healthy adjustment it is important
to recognize which role has been assumed, dumper or dumpee, and to work on the
issues appropriate to that role.
How Long Do I Wait Until I Get Into Another Relationship?
Expect that it will take at least a year before things begin to feel at all
normal again. For most of us, depending on the length and the nature of our
previous relationship, it will take two or three years. This may seem like an
eternity, but in reality this is a wonderful and precious opportunity to find
out who you are as an unattached individual. A word of warning is in order –
don't expect to involve yourself with someone else immediately! You are on the
rebound. To attach yourself prematurely in a love relationship is unfair to you
and to the other person. You must deal with important personal issues when your
previous love relationship comes to an end. Living through the transition and
exploring these issues can be painful – and falling in love again may seem like
the perfect way to end the pain. But if you attach yourself again too quickly,
before you have a chance to explore the issues which led to your breakup and to
start to feel comfortable again as a single and independent individual, the
other person becomes a replacement object, and that is not what a healthy
relationship is about. You will probably carry into this replacement
relationship the same issues that helped to lead to the demise of your former
relationship – and similar events may very well happen again.
Your real goal is to discover who you are and to explore what happened. When
you are at the point of being able to have a happy and fulfilled life as a
single person, then you can choose when, or even if, you should involve yourself
in another love relationship. When you know that you have that choice, you may
be ready.
© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright – All rights reserved. You may publish this
article in its entirety and with the authors’ resource information intact.
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About The Author
Paul and Layne Cutright are relationship coaches and teachers who have been
offering secrets and strategies for successful relationships at home and in
business since 1976. They are authors of the best selling book, You’re Never
Upset for the Reason You Think – Secrets and Strategies for Resolving Any Upset
Quickly and Easily. www.PaulandLayne.com
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Image by Stefan Pocula
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